


My Love a House and You my home

by Skelesister



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Delusions, F/M, Forgive Me, Founding Fathers, Grief, Happy Ending, I Don't Even Know, Lams - Freeform, Loss, M/M, Obsession, Sad, Short, Tags Are Hard, This will be sad, first fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 12:38:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7171535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skelesister/pseuds/Skelesister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hamilton learns of Lauren's  death and he struggles with trying to push it out of his mind in hope that it isn't true.<br/>=<br/>this is my first fic I've ever written so please be gentle and as a heads up this is going to be sad like very, so forgive me Fandom friend. My notes will be in the end <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Love a House and You my home

When Laurens died, Hamilton was in grief, he wasn’t there anymore. It was like he left his body, though his mind was still there. There was think and thought, but no words would come out. He would eat and drink, but he wouldn't feel the action. He would tell Eliza I love you, but he couldn't feel the words, he couldn't hear the answer. Lafayette would come by and he could never look him in the eye, not by reminding himself that Laurens was gone. Inside his own mind he thought up debates and debacles, but the outside world was grey and slushy. He was this way for the longest time and even after when he would begin speaking again the quiet was still there in a small place, but now he married Eliza and they had children; the war was won. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison they were all there, but he wasn't. He was still stuck on the idea that Laurens would come home gone, but not dead. Though as he thinks more on it, while it seemed for the longest time that he was empty Laurens never left him, throughout all his trials, Laurens never left him. 

He was with Eliza and he was thinking of the victories, ways the country could grow and develop now, after the war. As he was thinking he noticed Eliza was beckoning him, broken from his train of thought she told him. Though he wouldn’t believe it, that Laurens was gone, dead and shot 27 times. It was told from a letter by Lauren’s father Henry, whom he despised for the longest time, but now in the nights he clutches the letter like his lifeline and he could only imagine one thing. Laurens couldn’t have died; his dreams were too great his heart too strong for any knife to pierce. Though Hamilton thought dear of Eliza their love tighter than anything he had ever known. It was Laurens that called him my dear Alexander, with a smile so bright it filled the sun with envy. It was Laurens who summoned up the courage to shut Lee up and to shoot him in the stomach as well. It was Laurens that kept him warm those many cold winter nights during the war. So he couldn’t be gone, and that night sitting outside his house on the porch he looked at the stars and prayed it wasn’t true, that Laurens would come home. That he hadn’t died; that he escaped and he was lost and he couldn’t reach home just yet and the more he prayed the more he believed and as the moon moved across the sky, Hamilton felt his hopes begin to grow, that Laurens would come home.

Weeks later the war long won and Hamilton an attorney. It was hard to think of new life at that moment even with his dreams that Laurens was alive, a lot of his sense wanted it drag it down no, move on, go on, Laurens is D-he could never finish the thought. It was like a nightmare he could never wake from, but bittersweet in the sense that he never wanted to let go and as he walked to the courthouse he recognized that it wasn’t just him in grievance. Lafayette and Hercules had their own pain as well, though they were shouldering it in a much more stable way rather than him. It always seemed like they were more in control then he was, maybe that was why Washington… and off he continued, because it would be very unbeknownst of him as Alexander Hamilton to stay on one topic at a time. Even with the many dark thoughts he experienced he could never stop thinking of solutions, though that would come to test in the future months as more and more shadows seem to poor over every step he takes.

“Alex, dinner is ready”, said Eliza but Hamilton didn’t hear-he was doodle-writing again and he hated to do it on such good ink. “Alex”, Eliza called again he would reply in a second if he could finish this sentence-“Alexander!” She finally called out and he stopped, he should go down now no need to worry her already with leaving again as treasurer. He replied “I’m sorry my dear Eliza I will come down in a moment,” he tried to claim steady reason throughout his lapses, but still he would wander when Laurens entered his mind. As he goes to leave he thinks of returning after dinner to finish what he was writing now hurrying down the stairs. At the top it reads Laurens where are you, my love? Though he knew no matter how many times he began he would never finish the letter.

Jefferson and Madison, that took up a lot of his mind, though never all of it. This is what he now thinks sitting again on his porch, in continuation of what he does every night ever since he received that letter from Henry so long ago. In his repetition he would sit and stare at the moon and would pray, Laurens come home. He would wonder why it was taking so long why he couldn’t seem to find him, but in the end he wouldn’t care all he ever wanted was for Laurens to come home. So he could look at him, hug him, gaze at the way his freckles glowed in the moonlight. This he thought was such a love he could never dream without and a nightmare he would never seem to wake.

Through all his mistakes large and small, he realized this was by utmost the worse. He brought upon the death of his own son and he feels the quiet take up on him again, he remembers another time. Though now as he leaves his house in the small hours of the morning, he is now seeking the swift ending if his own life. He walked around a corner; maybe I would get lucky he thinks maybe I would just end up like Lee, I mean, I already have enough holes in my heart. Though he tried to clear this thought he continued, and I cannot kill my poor Burr, no matter the distance between us. I cannot hope to ensue from my brutality that his daughter experience the same fate as I when I was a child. No, in this fight I hope the only man to die shall be my own. He enters the clearing with his own men behind him, while silently hearing the count of 1 to 10 like angels singing him to his death.

He aims his pistol at the SKY-WAIT

Pain. Sharp. Between his ribs, he can feel his blood, feel it spread.

He fell from the impact, he’s being…carried on a boat? It doesn’t matter, he aimed at the sky but he knew, he knew he would still end up on the ground, though now it’s still up in the air whether he’ll be above it or below.

Alexander Hamilton, always prudent in his thoughts never in his biting words. 

The pain increases. Seemingly exponentially. None more so then watching his Eliza; watching her in pain and feeling his mistakes his sins on his skin and as he goes to let go. His last thought is of the deep guilt of not being there to welcome Laurens home, not being there for his Eliza.

The last thing he hears is the pain in her cries.

=

B L A C K

Then a spot °

He seemingly feels it before he sees it like something opening up, his soul? And then color all at once and he feels a warmth, something he hasn’t felt for the longest time. Then he sees, though he thought it was an illusion a hallucination on which his fears had brought upon him, but he could never be more wrong for what he saw. His son alive, standing beside his mother, Washington watching him with steady grace and memories of him teaching him how to say goodbye pop into his head and there, upon him, is his dream come true. Laurens is there and alive and he couldn’t have wished for anything harder as for this to be real. Though as he takes his first step, then his second he realizes that Laurens was never meant to come home, he already was. His love a house, and Hamilton finally came home. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! I hope you enjoyed my fic! If it made you sad or mad or just any emotion at all please comment if you wish! I hope to write again though something way more happy and any opinions I will accept and keep close to my heart! Thank you for reading and please love yourself  
> -Daisy  
> (P.S sorry this is long)


End file.
